Shame

I hear nothing but good things about myself. I really don't. I have friends and loved ones who encourage me in all that I do. This is certainly not to say that those same ones do not kick my ass every now and then. I definitely need it at times and they happily oblige my need. And yet, despite that reality, I hear positive, uplifiting comments about my accomplishments, my desires, and the things that run around in my head. This is lovely, I never want anything else from those that surround me. In fact, I never thank them enough for the power of persuasion and confidence they give to me.

However, such thoughts are often quite lost on me. I doubt myself, constantly. Often, it seems, I find rather creative ways to fail at the goals I set for myself or are set for me. Indeed, it often feels like I would much prefer taking second place instead of the first place it seems most think I could attain. These thoughts are a constancy in my life. In fact, ever since middle school and the age of 11 or 12 I became completely convinced that the only reason people expected so much of me was because I was just that adept at deceiving everyone around me. I used to walk to my middle school and I remember, quite plainly, thinking how expertly I have pulled the wool over everyone's eyes. I still think this and am utterly convinced that one day I will be found out to be the faux-intellectual and undeserved interloper that I am. Many times I wonder how others would react if they only knew how...stupid I perceive myself to be. And I don't mean stupid in that ridiculously and failingly self-reflective way. I mean stupid, as harsh as that surely sounds. All these papers that I write in 2 hours and receive A's or B's for them, I want to go to the professors and tell them how little time I spent on their paper and how little of myself I gave to them. Though I will joke about how "good" I am because I can churn out mediocre shite such as those papers in mere hours, it is nothing of the sort. It is an exercise in stupidity.

This is brought to the forefront of my mind as I think of yet another stupid thing accomplished. I had 36 hours to study for two tests, one a math probability and states and the other a microeconomic analysis. I studied about 3 hours, at most, for the probability and an hour, again at most, for the micro. I performed reasonably well on the math and sucked as hard as Chloë Sevigny. What boring things to comment on, no? Yet as I think of the horrors of my performance on the micro test, I am truly ashamed of what I gave -- I gave so little and will reap just that. That saddens me, as it always has.

Now, before the girl trumpets in here, I have a history of doing this. I think only once before have I really failed a test as badly in reality (Calculus III final -- which my professor blames on my not attending the X-Men II premier in Charlotte) as I had in my mind. In fact, more often than not, I get A's on tests I convince myself that I failed. So, this really might be just an obessively overwrought piece on how ridiculous I feel. I do feel ridiculous. I hate how this rakes over my heart and burns my mind, because I know I did poorly. Though I have not said it to her, I desperately want to apologize to the girl for not being good enough -- and it is not only her. Ach, that sounds pathetic and I want to make it not so. Yet, if it does sound pathetic, then so be it. (Good gracious white woman, be gone with thy beaded hair!) Surely I am pathetic in many moments, so I cannot hide that. No doubt I have an overwhelming desire to prove myself and please those around me. The interesting thing is that I really don't do much to the ends of either of those 'goals.'

Not helping the state of my mind is the very simple fact that the professor whose exam I miserably failed is the same who was so eager to fill out my first two recommendation forms (UNC and Maryland). And all I can think of is..."holy shit, Batman, holy shit."

I was reminded today, actually yesterday by myself, that no doubt I have the perfect excuse to explain away how atrociously I have performed not only in this semester but also throughout university. Yet, how is that good enough? It's not. I'm disappointed I lived up to unknown and unspoken expectations.

*waves his hands in the air* Forgive me for the fruitlessness of this. I have four journals to choose from and this was the quickest at hand. I don't know how to end this...so.