I Like Andrew

I have a friend who's a mountain of a man.

A mountain of love, musicoscity, snarkiness and ego.

Say hi, Andrew the Great.

"Mumble, mumble, grumble and bumble"

That's the Andrew I know and love.

I have decided upon a dedication of a new tab in my sidebar to Andrew. He has three freakin' blogs, so he deserves one lil' section to himself. And he's a big, jolly man. Big, jolly men deserve special considerations.

Especially when they not only have but record awesome, awesome dreams for us to enjoy.
Read part one of Andrew's dream here.

Reasons, Reasons, Reasons

While I often find myself thinking diligently about what I can and should be writing here, 99 times out of 100 I don't find myself writing at all, here or anywhere. It's been a source of great consternation and, quite honestly, confusion over the past few months since I've started graduate school. The many experiences and thoughts I've had should have given birth to quite a lot of writing, yet only sourced doubt and, as referenced before, a great deal of confusion.

Now as I start the new semester, I very much want to break that cycle of confusion and thought without action. I'm not proud of the fact that I'm often the guy who acts without thinking. But I'd be fundamentally ashamed if I became the guy who thought without acting. So, why do I do this?

I think I have an answer. I believe that more often than not I find myself unable to write basically because I feel pretty inadequate almost every day. And by inadequate I mean intellectually incapable of rising to the challenge bar that's been set before me.

I know I'm a smart guy. Concepts and thoughts have always come easily to me. 95 percent of the time I could bullshit my way through an assignment or abstract thought and do just fine. But this time...there's no way I can do that. To sound like the priviledged white asshole that I am: I've never had to work this hard for anything intellectual in my life.

That's situation which is inherently exciting. It's a cool thing, or would be if I actually knew I wanted to be doing this...this economics. But I don't. So I'm stuck between a rock (my procrastination, legendary) and a hard place (not knowing what I want, or if I can get what I want). I should try, though. At the very least I should try. Right?

I'm buckling down, working harder than I ever have. Though, it's still not very much.

I could resolve to do and be a lot of things. But there's just one thing I'm going to resolve for myself.

I don't want to feel stupid anymore, day in and day out.

Please, Sir

In the past few months of actively not writing in this blog, I have been activiely engaged in thinking about writing in this blog. Every thought that would come to mind (though perhaps not all, as not all of my thoughts are kosher enough for even the most intimately acquainted), would come with the desire to write and write here.

So when it comes that I have myself set down before my computer, the blog pulled up and my heart equating my mind's desire to write (as often it does not), I find myself unable to call upon an idea tonight. Sure, there are many things I could write on. I know all of the topics intimately. Yet none of them strike with the same urgency as when I think of them.

Perhaps this is why I am still not a writer, I have not yet learned to conquest the inability of the heart to move my fingers.

Perhaps, all the more, this is why I do not know what it is I should be doing - or how I should know it - or what I should do about it. That said, it is an easy venture to acknowledge that much else explains the why behind the preceding sentence.

Life is a struggle for me, in more ways than one. Of recent days that struggle has fragmented - yet the utter truth of it remains whole and untainted. We all struggle, I am nothing special because of mine nor is mine unique. A line of thought which I had to learn. I was born an utter egotist - I've had to learn many a lesson of humility - humility which guides an understanding of my place in community, not outside of it.

I remember as a child, running on the streets of my hometown in South Carolina at 5 am, dreaming of finding myself caught up in a mystery or fantastic adventure. There was a hill I remember climbing as I ran which I always felt would be the perfect place to be abducted by some secret organization. That was who I believed I was - someone special enough that circumstance would find me, and I would be ready. In a lot of ways, I still wait for that circumstance.

But as I see my eyes opening more and more into the world, I realise not the pithiness of making one's circumstance, however true that might be. No, I realise...something. I guess I realise that I am still special, unique and with something to offer this world. But that uniqueness, I have to find it - I can't wait, nor should I have ever, waited for someone else to find it. I never quite understood why I got so angry when I was told I would be someone special in this life. Sadly enough I was told that quite often - and by the people who mattered enough that I listened implicitly, all the while cradling my anger which was righteous enough.

I understand now, though. We all must rely on others, must lean on one another, right now. But the thing we can't do, I can't do, is rely on someone to rake a timber in the midst of soul, catch the fire and then lead on as if leading with a torch in the midst of darkness. Poetic language aside, if the fire can be wielded, I must dance with it myself before anyone else can.

I have always claimed to be one with a fire burning in my heart. Now is the time to stop ignoring its presence by only acknowledging the warmth and sometimes heat. Now's the time to stick my head in the fire and breathe who it is I am.

Fire once burned my gloves and the soles of my boots, now its time to let it burn my soul.

(Not nearly as dark as the imagery would have it be read. All I say: time to stop ignoring who I am, find out, and then...live it. I'm poetic, it gets me into trouble more often than not. Happy place, people, I'm in a happy place.)

That's What I Like to See

In the National Football League, the Indy Colts are the much maligned "softest" team of all however many teams (32 I think). And they are so maligned for so many good reasons. Throughout the past 4 to 5 seasons, their number one rated offense, headed by arguably the most efficient and, damn't, the prettiest damn passer there ever was, has always fallen short of parading through the playoffs because their defense is so soft. To enumerate how soft is soft, let's examine the average yards per game given up by the Colts defense this year: 145. That's a lot.

But to be fair, the soft nature of the Colts isn't all on the shoulder of the defense. (Though it should be so as the Colts' head coach was the mastermind behind the defensive behemoth that drove the Tampa Bay Bucs towards an NFL Championship.) Their offense deserves just as much blame. I can't begin to recount the number of times I've seen the Colts line up with 4 downs to get to the goal (score a touchdown) and fail to break through with one of the most productive and stalwart running backs in the league. Not the mention how often I've seen a well put together defense confuse the most impressive defensive deconstructionist behind center (Colts quarterback, Peyton Manning, pictured).

However, all that said, the Colts stepped up on Saturday. They played the Baltimore Ravens in a second round playoff match in Baltimore. Given the history of the Colts, there was no reason for them to survive this matchup. You see, the Ravens defense is legendary. It won them the 2000 NFL Championship. And it is finally back to form - a thing to be well, well feared. But the Colts held on.

The Colts did even more than that. They won the defensive battle. Their defense stepped up and outplayed the Ravens defense. The Colts won in the most improbable of ways. Peyton Manning didn't throw a touchdown, never handed off for a touchdown run. There wasn't even a touchdown scored in the entire game. But there were 8 scores. 8 field goals - which is amazing. Not amazing that such a game happens. However, amazing for one simple fact - the Colts won this game. And won on the foot of Adam Vinetieri (to the right).

I realise this may not be monumental. Especially considering the Colts may face, next Sunday, another huge obstacle in the San Diego Chargers.

But hell, this is time for celebration! Let's go Colts!

The Unstoppable Return

So, I haven't written in a long while.

Hell, I haven't written consistently in an even longer time.

Seems to be a horrible habit of mine. I start a great many things yet fail to finish quite a lot of them. Yet though quite absent, this blog is never far from my mind. In particular, what I have to say through it has been a consistent presence with me.

I'm ready to go again. And as I'm ready to go, reveining my desire to express myself through this blog - I decided to add some pretty colours. Black & blue - pretty doesn't quite begin to describe. Especially when the blue is the blue of my beloved University - the University of the people - the University of North Carolina. (Yeah, I so totally dig getting schooled every day at this place.)

So here comes my mind. I hope everyone finds it oh so very damn sexy.