Reasons, Reasons, Reasons

While I often find myself thinking diligently about what I can and should be writing here, 99 times out of 100 I don't find myself writing at all, here or anywhere. It's been a source of great consternation and, quite honestly, confusion over the past few months since I've started graduate school. The many experiences and thoughts I've had should have given birth to quite a lot of writing, yet only sourced doubt and, as referenced before, a great deal of confusion.

Now as I start the new semester, I very much want to break that cycle of confusion and thought without action. I'm not proud of the fact that I'm often the guy who acts without thinking. But I'd be fundamentally ashamed if I became the guy who thought without acting. So, why do I do this?

I think I have an answer. I believe that more often than not I find myself unable to write basically because I feel pretty inadequate almost every day. And by inadequate I mean intellectually incapable of rising to the challenge bar that's been set before me.

I know I'm a smart guy. Concepts and thoughts have always come easily to me. 95 percent of the time I could bullshit my way through an assignment or abstract thought and do just fine. But this time...there's no way I can do that. To sound like the priviledged white asshole that I am: I've never had to work this hard for anything intellectual in my life.

That's situation which is inherently exciting. It's a cool thing, or would be if I actually knew I wanted to be doing this...this economics. But I don't. So I'm stuck between a rock (my procrastination, legendary) and a hard place (not knowing what I want, or if I can get what I want). I should try, though. At the very least I should try. Right?

I'm buckling down, working harder than I ever have. Though, it's still not very much.

I could resolve to do and be a lot of things. But there's just one thing I'm going to resolve for myself.

I don't want to feel stupid anymore, day in and day out.