I'm Looking Forward to All That Comes

I truly am.

Reading Damion's post from yesterday gave me great pause. First, I couldn't be happier for him. He truly is a wonderful soul, a fantastic friend, and an incredibly kick-ass future academian. If you didn't get it before now, brother, you rock and I am so glad to know you as a true friend. Second, it made me think again about the path that I'm on. Even though I'm not pursuing an advanced degree in literature or holing myself up in some godforsaken house to pen my masterpiece, I'm digging the path that I'm walkin'. Still, it's all pretty freak-inspiring. Indeed, I think I've been on the verge of an utter freak out for the past few weeks due to such inspiration.

Actually, I think that my being on that verge limited my posting despite the many ideas I've had for posts. What, three people read this? Well, still, I apologize for not being more consistent. But hey, you people get me much more than my friends in England who I still have not responded to for...nigh on two months. I really should abandon electronic media and go back to pen and paper (like I don't already), so I at least have an excuse for my inability to get off a timely ditty.

To be sure and to be back on topic, I'm certainly not complaining. I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Top 25 program, top 20 school, and all without having to spend (much) of my own money. Natch.

All that said, I'm nervous about what this path holds for me. For many reason I couldn't continue directly with literature. For the sake of my sanity I could not continue in pure mathematics or, really, any derivative. So, Economics. A little bit of math, a little bit of writing, and a dash of human behavior. I'm excited for what I could do. But what is it? What in the world could I possibly accomplish? We all hope to put our stamp on something, with little success for the majority. I do and have always hoped to at least rule the world. Yet, failing that, I want to have some impact on the world around me. And beyond some simplistic and fuzzy desire to be a good person, I truly wonder how or if I can achieve such wants through economics.

But mostly I don't want school to be a chore anymore. Talking with the girl this morning, she suddenly realised that she had 5 more years of dealing with my bitching about school. (Darlin', I have 7 plus years of the same for you - so no complaining for you, hottest woman I've ever met.) Not ruling the world and not enjoying school, two big fears. There are so many horror stories about graduate school, even within fields genuinely loved. And I'm going into Economics pretty much blind. It certainly does not bode well for me.

Yet I have my hopes. I hope I come close to the pleasure Damion has experienced at Maryland (I so dearly wanted to be a turtle...). I hope I'm challenged, exhorted, encouraged. I want the majority of my time spent in endeavors that titillate my soul with good, sex/fuzzy type feelings instead of those feelings that cross far too over the boundaries of masochism for comfort's sake. School has been a bore for me in the past 9 semester that I've been here. I can't imagine continuing in that same vein. I realise such may be the work most people find themselves in. But I'll be forced into such an existence before I gladly choose it. I enjoyed my undergraduate education, yet it wasn't everything it could have been, you could say.

And this is just a post to say I've got every little thing crossed that can be crossed to ensure Chapel Hill will be everything I can make it.

Talk about self-indulgence, heh.