My Hatred of Chapstick

Don't get me wrong, I love chapstick. There's nothing worse than experiencing dry, cracked lips - especially for someone who really likes to smile when there's good cause to do so. And you can thank Peekaboo Street for my englightened views on lip care. (Was she the one who started the craze of ski suits with webbing on the knees and elbows?) I like my lips. So naturally I take pride in their upkeep. Or knawing at them whenver I'm stressed. What have you.

My hunger for good lip care was the cause of my excitement one day in a local drug store. You see, I found a lip balm made specially for men. I really don't like fruity stuff, especially when it comes to coming in contact with my lips. [This is why I appreciate the girl's lack of desire - which is not total, something also appreciated - for lip type stuff.] So naturally this manly man type lip balm was advertised of being free of berry flavorings. I could only approve.

And the stuff came in the coolest silver box and silver tube. My own silver bullet. Only without the orgams.

And the taste. Oh! The taste! The only way I can accurately describe the stuff is by calling it a warm mix of diluted lemon, beeswax and honey butter. It was glorious! That blessed lip balm was not only an answer to prayer for my lips but also to my sensibilities of wanting some quality, non-"exotic fruit extravaganza" lip care.

Yet then, tragedy struck. In a lecture in the Little Hat at Cambridge my bookbag tipped over and out popped my chapstick, out of my bag and into the world of infamy. I could not find it! No. I searched both high and low, for of course the lecture hall was stadium-like (being also utterly cool) and I, in wanting to cover every single base, searched both the steps below and above where I lost my lil' bullet. Such was my desperation.

(I think I was sitting beside Damion for that lecture, though I can't remember what lecture it was. The lectures ranged from delightful, to good, to horrendous. I think that day was a good day.)

With trepidation, I come back to the states balm-less. Yet such was my confidence of finding righteous lip care that I strode into the nearest Target without a doubt in my head that I would soon equip myself again.

Oh the horror!!!

The chapstick was no more. Is no more!

So here do I mope
I refuse what cannot match,
No immitations!

(Honestly, what the hell? Was this even a chapstick? Was it official Chapstick? I even went so far as to search for it on ebay and I can find no reference to it whatsoever. I sigh, homeboys.)